I bought a new bike in July 2012, but ever since I have been trouble with the fact that my left leg seemed shorter. Last monday I went to Mandy again, because after the last Amstel Gold race I experienced pain on the inside of my left leg.

She soon found out my left leg was indeed short and so she raised my left shoe by 3 mm (red plate).

Another thing was that my bum was too big. I know, this sounds weird doesn’t it? But(t) I need a wider saddle than the one I’m using now.

We started with a 10 minute warm-up either rowing or biking. Then we when down to the basement where we have a weight lifting section. I took the three of them through a series of squats, lunges and dead lifts to enhance the strength and endurance of the muscles in their thighs, buttocks, abdomen and back. I added some core stability exercises. This took us somewhere around an hour to complete, after which Heleen took us on a spinning session of about half an hour. We then returned for some upper body strengthening for about half an hour including some more core stability exercises. We relaxed afterwards with some Feldenkrais exercises.

I thoroughly enjoyed training three different people with their different wishes at the same time. As a trainer it is sometimes hard to find a pace and use techniques everyone will like. It helped that these three were from about the same fitness level and have a sport background. This made it easy to instruct them as they pickup stuff quite fast. I wouldn’t mind doing it again. I would then do a training of about one and a half hour with body pump gear, steps and bosu ball and take it a level further in intensity.

Back to my HOAC again…almost done.

This is what I’ve done today.

A run.

Somehow holding a free market (where sellers don’t need to have a license) means drop your sh*t and let the municipality clean it up.

From the age of 12 to 16 I’ve been teased and bullied by my classmates. I haven’t quite figured out how this happened, but I think part of it was because I was different and part because I was easy to tease. I survived the time and found out that going to study physiotherapy in Nijmegen was liberating. I could be who I wanted to be in the big city or so I thought.

I thought the period past and rarely thought about that painful time. Unfortunately, underneath it all the damage was done. Unknown to myself I had developed a coping strategy to deal with those bullies. Be a clown, be someone I hoped they would like and try to get a measure of control while lying on my back. Everything so I could be what every adolescent needs; being a part of a group. Imagine what this does to someone’s self-confidence and personality. I now recognise that when life is good (which it is most of the times) I’m flexible, social, easy going, self-assured and nice to be around. When my life is stressful my lower self esteem lets the old strategy kick in again. It makes me try to get a frantic control on everything, I become rigid in my behaviour, I try to structure everything, I am oblivious to the needs of others and even dominating.

The last two years stressful times were abundant due to my studies, work and building up a relationship all at the same time. Stress rose to new levels when Heleen and I decided that I would move in with her. To me this meant less time alone, because I couldn’t let her be. More stress, so the old strategy demanded more control. This in turn meant more stress and a vicious circle was born.

Last week I decided enough was enough and I had an appointment with the same psychologist I saw in 2005, just before going to Papua New Guinea. With Hans I found out that I saw myself interacting with Heleen like I interacted with those classmates back then. All the while being thoroughly disgusted by myself, feeding more energy into my stress levels; trying to get more control. That was an eyeopener, but it did not give me an alternative way. Until yesterday.
Yesterday I went to class. At the end of a clinical lesson several students asked our teacher if there was a way to help patients who experience loss of control in their lives. Recognising this was exactly what I was struggling with I volunteered as an experimental subject. I never suspected what happened next. The technique involved allows the participant to feel physical tension and associate it with mental control. All the time the teacher asked me whether or not it was ok for her to continue and after some time I felt the tension building up in my body. When she was finished I started crying; I couldn’t help myself. By that time the class had ended so she asked me to go and have a walk outside for some privacy and fresh air. During the walk I started crying even more bitterly, the tension in my shoulders was rising and I felt nauseous. All the time she let me be, comforting me and asking me what I needed. Every part of my body was painful, I felt so sorry for myself; like all the pain from that part of my life was coming out physically. Half an hour later I was drained, dazed, dizzy and dumbfounded.

I am thoroughly wrecked now. My body feels like it’s mauled. But there is also a new feeling. A new feeling of freedom and a choice to do things differently. It feels like I have a sturdier base now. It feels like I can be who I want to be even more.

I felt like a veteran cycling the Amstel gold race. This was ridiculous since it was only the second time around, but it felt like my body knew what to do. The race was nice and comfortable, even though a terrible downpour made the last 20 km feel more like swimming instead of cycling. Thanks to my teammates from the Kelme group. They are not only a good laugh and a good conversation; they have a formidable team spirit. Some of the members had punctures (including me) and it is their way to wait for everybody. This is very insuring and supporting.

After a good night’s rest Heleen and I left for Amsterdam to have a conversation with NZ locums. A lot of information came our way (which I can’t all recollect, but will come up in the course of time if we go through with this plan). There is a lot to think about and even more to muse about. One thing was for sure though; Heleen and I both left the conversation with a spring in our step and a step closer to living abroad.